Precious Time

Time is such a precious thing and arguably the most important aspect of life that we cannot control. Sure, money is important to pay for necessities and to maintain a desired lifestyle. But, it is the following adage which really resonates with me: "You can make more money but you cannot make more time." This is a powerful reminder to make the most of the time we have. It reinforces the high value I now place on time relative to money. I haven't always had this mindset but life events have certainly contributed to a shift.

I grew up with very little as my hardworking immigrant parents struggled to support their six children and two aging parents. I remember having just one toy, a Batman car, when I was six. Stretching the few dollars we had was key to our livelihood. And, it is through my parents' tremendous work ethic, focus on family and insistence on educational achievement that have allowed each of their six children to enjoy lives with far more possessions, choices and opportunities than they came into the country with.

And, as I grew up, I valued the dollar as much as everyone else. Ideas of being wealthy and having all that one could desire was a nice goal. It was not a bad dream either. However, in the real lives of most of us, what wealth can be attained is far from the riches of our fantasy. So, we all grow up eventually and our goals shift. Like many, becoming a parent forced me to take a serious look at my life goals. As my two children grew from babies to toddlers to preschoolers, it really dawned on me how fast time goes. Seeing two little people grow so much in what seemed like a very brief period of time really made me wonder in amazement. And, to know that you can never ever get that time back to see them as 3 year olds ever again is a sad reality.

While I was enjoying my corporate career and earning enough to pay for necessities, contribute to college and retirement savings and afford practically all we wanted in our chosen modest lifestyle, my kids grew up with the loving care of my wife at home. I had yearned to be there, too, to experience their daily lives. I balanced my work with my home life as my career allowed and that certainly helped. I enjoyed being there to watch my young children grow as much as I did and am thankful I had the commitment and flexibility to do so. Still, time passed too quickly.

But, it was three years ago when my life changed in many profound ways. My mom, whom I was very close to, passed away. The saddest part for me was and remains the fact that my mom will not physically be here to watch my children grow and for my children to experience her love and wisdom. Immediately following her passing, I dove into a wonderful career opportunity where I utilized my grief-fueled energy. As I grew to accept the sadness that will always be there, the teary-eyed clouds parted and I saw what was truly important in my life - my children. It was then I committed to a life goal of being an active parent of my young children.

I stepped down from that prominent role to be closer to home and spend more time with my young family. The tradeoff has proven to be invaluable and priceless. It has proven to me that, without any doubt, time is worth more than money at this point in my life. And, the benefits I've enjoyed the past year have enticed me to seek even more.

For years, I had expressed my strong desire to be a stay at home dad. And, as my children quickly grow towards their teen years, I realize my time to be a stay at home dad was fleeting. So, after much consideration of many aspects of our lives, I proposed a career switch with my stay at home wife. After much discussion and deliberation over a few months, we have agreed to do so.

As you can imagine, I am elated by our decision. In numerous ways, I am confident all four of us will benefit from the change. And, through thoughtful (and sometimes fortunate) decisions made before we were even married, we are in a comfortable financial position to even consider this. I look back at my 18 year corporate career at the same company and am satisfied with the decisions I made. The decision to leave the company where I practically grew up in is an easy one knowing I am going to a role that is way more important and fulfilling. There is no money or promising career track that can buy the precious and fleeting time I have with my children while they are young. I have worked hard to get myself in position to enjoy the opportunity to do so is now. I know I will enjoy managing the household and the opportunity to pursue my next goal of being an elementary school teacher. Most of all, I will cherish the time I get to spend and teach my children.

My mom taught me a lot in the 41 years I had with her. She left behind many lessons and memories. It's in her passing, though, that one very valuable lesson was shared. And, that is to value the time we have now with those we love. It goes by too fast and while you can't slow that time down, you can make thoughtful decisions on how you spend it. After all, you can't make more time.

Discussions with my wife have begun!

Just recently, I shared with my wife my strong desires to switch roles of income provider and stay at home parent. We are indeed fortunate to have a choice to maintain a single income household and she has maintained the role of stay at home mom since our daughter was born ten years ago. But, with the youth of our children fleeting so quickly, I really want to have the experience of being the full time stay at home dad now. I've laid out numerous reasons on this blog and I shared those with my wife. I asked her to read them and for us to discuss her feelings on this significant life change. I shared that I am envisioning a change in roles next Spring allowing almost a whole year for discussion and transition.

I know this is huge change for all of four of us and I've been seriously thinking about this for a few months. It is only fair to allow my wife time for self reflection to sort out her feelings. Initially, she sees how much I want to do this and my points that the change would benefit each of us. She has some trepidation about updating her skills to return to a full time professional position. And, she realizes that she has had a great experience of being home. I've asked her to take some time and write her thoughts down so we can discuss in the near future. I've been doing the same including listing the things I'll miss about my corporate job of eighteen years. Like I've done, I've asked my wife to consider the positive as well as the challenging aspects of this change for her.

While no timeframe for a decision has been set, we discussed the benefits of coming to a decision sooner than later whether it is to maintain our current arrangements or to make the role reversal. So I'll be patient and fair but a bit persistent. Left to her own devices, my wife would procrastinate on this. I can't blame her considering what is being asked of her. In the meantime, I am actually quite thrilled with just the thought that this could take place a year from now. It is a big relief just to share my feelings and desires. We'll see where it goes from here...

My reasons for wanting to be a stay at home dad

As posted at Chronicles of a Reluctant Housedad:

http://reluctanthousedad.com/2011/05/05/meet-the-man-who-wants-what-i-have-but-he-hasnt-told-his-wife-yet/

Meet the man who wants what I have (but he hasn’t told his wife yet!)

Henry and his adorable children: 'I'm better organised'

It is no secret that I am a housedad of the reluctant persuasion – forced into my situation because of redundancy, resulting in my wife and I swapping roles at the beginning of the year.

I would – even now, despite all the joys and rewards of forging closer bonds with my three kids – swap back if I was offered a job that could justify my wife giving up hers. The reality is, that isn’t going to happen. My Successful Other Half is now thriving in her new-found career. Her transition from Stay-At-Home-Mum is pretty much complete, whereas I’m still on the journey towards converting reluctance into Happy-As-Larryness on the housedadding front.

But is he organised enough to do this day-in, day-out?

But now I learn that Men Want To Be Me. Men Want What I Have. Men Want A Slice Of The Housedadding Action.

For some, I imagine they think sitting around all day moaning and ironing and listening to the radio is a cushy number. And, in truth, that part of it is. Boring as hell, but cushy nonetheless. But then it’s hometime, and all hell is let loose in a flurry of homework, reading, teatime, bathtime, bickering time, ‘when’s Mum coming home?’ time. All Stay-At-Home-Parents know this, though most SAHPs wouldn’t swap it for the world. And it is this latter fact that makes some Working Dads want to be Stay-At-Home-Dads.

Henry C is one such father. After 18 years at the corporate coalface, he wants to swap roles with his Stay-At-Home-Wife and take over the parenting of their nine-year-old daughter and six-year-old son.

Why? Don’t ask me, ask Henry. Though based in the States, the issues are the same as over here. Henry Tweets as @wannabeSAHDad and writes about the issue on his blog http://wannabestayathomedad.blogspot.com/.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t discussed his plans with his wife yet, but she’ll find out soon enough, the moment she reads this blog post (hide the crockery, Henry – there could be some collateral damage!)

Below, he describes his feelings, motivation and ambition in his own words. Over to you, Henry…

‘When did you realise how fast your children are growing up? For me, it was the night before my daughter turned 9. She was just a year away from age 10 which just seems to be a psychological dividing line between a young child and one who is fast approaching teen years. That night, with my wife’s support, I made an unconventional decision to leave my plum corporate position to a role that would allow me more time at home. And, I was fortunate enough to have landed such a role. While I do not miss the perks that came with my former title, I do thoroughly enjoy a dramatically shorter commute and almost no overnight travels. I am now able to see my daughter in her gymnastics class, participate in my 6 year old son’s baseball activities and enjoy dinner with family each evening.

In the year that has passed, I have realized that I truly love being an active father to my young children. And, that I really, really want to be the stay at home parent.

My wife and I are fortunate to be able to maintain a single income household. And, since our daughter was born, my wife has been a full time parent. She enjoys the role and our two babies have grown to be intelligent, respectful and wonderful children. Countless times in the past, I casually suggested that we switch roles and, despite being able to swing it financially, my wife has denied my requests. But, I feel time is running out on my children’s youth and I need to make a strong case now. So, here’s why I want to be a stay-at-home-dad.

Teach: I love to teach and I’ve been told I have natural teaching abilities. In fact, I want to be an elementary (primary) school teacher in a future career. Besides reinforcing concepts through homework help, I’ll have more opportunity to teach my children other life lessons like aspects of our culture including some Chinese language. My wife and I agree that it’s important for our kids to know more about our culture and language.

Learn: While our children are in school during the day, I can join them! Well, at a different school, that is, to pursue a graduate teaching degree. Perhaps, when the local economy improves in a few years, I could be teaching and staying on similar daily and holiday schedules as our children. Even more rewarding, I will learn from and about my children in ways that I would not otherwise.

Sharing: My wife has been able to enjoy the role of stay at home parent, why can’t I? In the true spirit of sharing, I believe it’s my turn. If we transition a year from now, our children will be 11 and almost 8. That’s about halfway in their childhoods so the timeframe seems fair.

Less Stress: My wife agrees that I handle stress very well. Applying project and time management skills I’ve utilized in my corporate career, I will create a less stressful home environment. Better organization, preparation and communication would help minimize stress in an increasingly busy household. A recent study confirms what we know – that kids are tuning into parents’ stress with negative feelings of their own.

More Intimacy: With less stress all around, yes, I am hoping it will translate to be more energy and time for this. Who couldn’t use more of this??

Vacuuming: Believe it or not, I have loved vacuuming since I was 9. And, yes, I truly enjoy doing housework and keeping a neat, organized and clean home. I already have a schedule in mind that will keep me on top of all that a full time parent needs to do around the house. I know it’s a lot but I look forward to the challenge and results.

More family time: I believe with better organization and less stress, the necessary things (housework, homework, etc.) will get done more efficiently and we can actually have more family time. Perhaps, it’s just several minutes a day or a few hours in a week, but any more time to enjoy each other would be great.

Social: My wife and I are have vastly different viewpoints on play dates. I strongly encourage them for our children’s’ social development and enjoyment and would not mind organizing play dates. Our kids ask for more but it’s not in their mom’s comfort zone to arrange for more frequent play dates. I think it’s important to know the friends of our children especially as they grow towards the challenging teen years.

Me: I would be lying if there wasn’t anything for me in being a stay at home dad. While I have enjoyed my corporate career (18 years in the same organization!), I would give it up in a heartbeat to serve the more fulfilling role of full time parent. I will apply the organizational, communication and goal setting skills I’ve learned to more effectively and efficiently manage our home and family. I’ll have the chance to prove to myself that I can be a successful stay at home dad. Lastly, in the months before I leave my job, I would enjoy my soon-to-retire status at work immensely!

Our children: The ultimate reason for my desire to be stay at home dad is our children. We have built a solid foundation for each of their lives and my desire is to enrich, strengthen and grow that foundation for their futures. While I am already an active parent, I feel this is the ideal decision at this time for all of us. While we have very similar values, I strongly believe my skills and approaches would be benefit each of us, particularly the children. The greatest gifts we can give to our children is to share our wisdom and guidance in a loving, supportive home environment. I am absolutely committed to doing just that as a stay at home dad.

So, as best as I can write it, these are my reasons to be the full time parent in our home. I would love to hear your thoughts based on your experiences and perhaps your own desires.

How can we best enrich our children's lives?

Having grown up with two selfless, hardworking immigrant parents make me appreciate many things in life. Like many parents, mine sacrificed quite a lot and worked real hard just to provide for their children with hopes that we have a better life than they. It is with that frame of mind that I constantly seek to provide for my children in ways that will give them even more opportunities than I had.

For me, buying material possessions is way down the list of importance. My priorities are educating them to be intelligent, well mannered, respectful young people who can think for themselves and deal with life's challenges with a positive attitude throughout their lives. Lofty goals indeed. All can only be taught through everyday interactions - mostly by being a role model and demonstrating such values. The more the kids are exposed to these qualities, the greater the chance they can embody the same.

It is my sincere belief (and hope) my kids are exposed to such values more when I am home with them. A lot comes from having good two way communication between parents and their children. Through constant and open dialogue, all parties will learn from each other. Unlike my wife, I have a natural desire to teach and I am constantly teaching our children. Just recently, their lives have been enriched by positive teaching moments on respecting diversity, how the economic downturn affects our community, utilizing time efficiently, key aspects of our culture and, most recently, the Bin Laden story.

I would love the opportunity to impart more and being a stay at home dad would provide the chance for our children to be enriched. It is certainly a different way of providing for the children than my hardworking parents had in mind. But, I know they would be proud that I care enough about my family to consider the best way I can enrich my children's lives.

Clearing the table = Less homework stress

A role of the stay at home parent is to execute an almost infinite number of household tasks including cleaning, organizing, shopping and preparing meals. More importantly, the role should revolve around the children and their wellbeing, nurturing and education. That includes getting them off to school and activities, fostering an effective learning environment and enriching their person with love and knowledge in numerous ways.

When given a choice of who would best fulfill the role of stay at home parent, wouldn't the smartest choice be the parent who can manage these roles most successfully?

It is here that I believe my skills offer numerous advantages over those of my wife in this role. Don't get me wrong. While she has been the stay at home parent, our two kids have grown to be wonderful, intelligent, loving, respectful young people who are terrific students. However, I believe the role of stay at parent can be accomplished more effectively and efficiently with far less stress in our house.

Since we became parents, I have shared numerous suggestions in positive ways with my wife on how to better handle the stress of her role. Frustratingly, much of what I have offered has gone ignored. I am a big believer in continuous learning but I have realized not everyone shares in the same. Perhaps, it is my corporate background that helps me see that even successful people and processes can be made more effective and/or more efficient.

For example, I encouraged my wife to create a more ideal homework environment in our dining room where our children do their work. I'm pretty certain that food, mail, magazines and other items on the dining room table are distracting to even the best student trying to complete daily fourth grade homework. But, despite asking my wife to spend just a few minutes each day to clear the table, the cluttered table remains the norm when the kids do their homework.

If I were the stay at home parent, I would foster a more positive learning environment so our children can complete homework with minimal stress and time. It would start with something as simple clearing the dining room table every day before they return from school.

Who Gets to Decide Which is the Stay at Home Parent?

Is it biology that determines who gets to be the stay at home parent if a couple has a choice to do so? Of course, it is the mother who carried the children for 9 months each in her belly.

Is it society that determines? Stay at home parents have long been a mother's role.

Is it financial means that determine? Traditionally, it was a man's job to provide.

But, come on, it's the 21st century! And, while I cannot argue the biological aspect of carrying children in utero, society has changed and women can earn or outearn men. So, isn't a better determination the parent who is most qualified to succeed in the role of stay at home parent?

I've been desiring the role of stay at home dad for years. But, early on, it was assumed that my wife would take that role. We are thankful to have that option by having made sound financial choices very early in our relationship. It also helped that we didn't marry until past the age of 30. So, since our first child was born ten years ago, my wife has left full time professional role behind to stay at home. She is a wonderful person, wife and mother and loves our two children very much. But, that doesn't diminish my desire to be home. I've told her so many times for years but she has refused to even consider.

I've made it clear that I desire be a stay at home dad while our daughter and son are young. Well, my opportunity to do so is dissolving fast. But, I have not given up hope. I think I have a reasonable case. And, I sure would love to hear your thoughts as I continue to share mine on ths subject.

Financially, we would do fine if I left my corporate job and she takes the available opportunity to resume her professional career. True, we would lose a few benefits like some of my flexibility and increased vacation time, but that can be negotiated to make those differences negligible.

I believe the big difference lies in our different abilities to succeed in the very busy role of stay at home parent. We all bring a different skill set to life and I believe mine is better suited than that of my wife. For starters, we both agree that I am more efficient and organized; that I handle stress better; and that I communicate and teach the kids more effectively. In the times when I do play stay at home dad for a day or two, I've proven that I accomplish more in a day than she can. That includes housework, homework, playtime and the like. And, with the challenging teen years ahead of us, I believe the skills I bring will be necessary to manage an increasingly busy household. So, I'm frustrated that we won't make the switch in roles to benefit us all?

Therein lies my frustration. My wife is not willing. And, I'm at a loss on how else I can approach this. I really believe that our whole family unit will benefit if I were stay at home dad. My kids would love it and I think they would not miss a beat and perhaps even thrive.

So, what should go into the decision on who gets to be the stay at home parent?
Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice to share? Am I way off base here?