Uh oh. Mother-in-law weighs in on our decision.

We have some family and friends who don't fully understand or support our career switch to make me the stay at home parent. Now, I know others' opinions are insignificant in our decision but my wife is taking a lot of heat from her mom. And, because my wife doesn't handle stress from her mom easily, it is driving her nuts. My wife describes recent years as the teenage rebellion from her controlling mom that she never had. While my wife would prefer remaining the stay at home parent to our 10 and 7 year old children, she understands my desire to be a stay at home dad. She agrees that life is too short and that we have just one chance to live it.

However, my wife's mother maintains the "mother stays home, father goes to earn money" philosophy. She questions why I would choose to leave the stability of a well-paying job. She's concerned of how others would react. She regrets gifting us money (done for tax purposes) and setting up trust funds for our children (her only grandchildren). She has even called me "lazy" for making this decision.

I never expected my mother-in-law to exuberantly support of our career switch. While she stayed at home to raise two daughters, her husband worked and saved for decades before succumbing to cancer. He never had a chance to enjoy retirement. She shared her regrets about staying at home and had wished for a different career path. My wife and I learned from their experience and considered it while making our decision. I don't want to stay at a job just to retire with a pension and some health benefits. Each of us should live their life for their passions. However, "pursuit of happiness" and "living life to its fullest" mantras seem to be lost on my wife's mom despite her own regrets.

I understand and appreciate the difficulties that generational differences can pose. Shaking up the traditional roles of father and mother unnerves my mom-in-law. And, quite frankly, I think a lot of that is her dread of answering questions from like-minded contemporaries like "why is your daughter working and your son-in-law at home with the kids??"

It's nice that she wants to ensure our financial ability to make this switch. However, her motivations go beyond that as she is particularly controlling about money. We shared that we performed a detailed financial analysis and that I would not even consider this if we had to change our current lifestyle. Thankfully, my wife can earn more than enough money to do so. But, her mom doesn't believe us. Instead, she thinks we will live off the money she has gifted us or will leave us when she passes. On the contrary, we have not touched a single dollar she has gifted us nor do we have plans to use any except for the funds she has put into trust for kids' college educations.

To top if off, she has called me "lazy" for leaving my cushy job. On the contrary, she should recall her own experience as stay-at-home parent and realize that I am leaving an office job for one with a lot more responsibility and accountability. I know you already know how much work it takes to maintain a household and raise children so I won't expand. And, next year I will pursue another passion of being an elementary school teacher. That will add hours of classwork and homework. "Lazy"? I don't think so.

Precious Time

Time is such a precious thing and arguably the most important aspect of life that we cannot control. Sure, money is important to pay for necessities and to maintain a desired lifestyle. But, it is the following adage which really resonates with me: "You can make more money but you cannot make more time." This is a powerful reminder to make the most of the time we have. It reinforces the high value I now place on time relative to money. I haven't always had this mindset but life events have certainly contributed to a shift.

I grew up with very little as my hardworking immigrant parents struggled to support their six children and two aging parents. I remember having just one toy, a Batman car, when I was six. Stretching the few dollars we had was key to our livelihood. And, it is through my parents' tremendous work ethic, focus on family and insistence on educational achievement that have allowed each of their six children to enjoy lives with far more possessions, choices and opportunities than they came into the country with.

And, as I grew up, I valued the dollar as much as everyone else. Ideas of being wealthy and having all that one could desire was a nice goal. It was not a bad dream either. However, in the real lives of most of us, what wealth can be attained is far from the riches of our fantasy. So, we all grow up eventually and our goals shift. Like many, becoming a parent forced me to take a serious look at my life goals. As my two children grew from babies to toddlers to preschoolers, it really dawned on me how fast time goes. Seeing two little people grow so much in what seemed like a very brief period of time really made me wonder in amazement. And, to know that you can never ever get that time back to see them as 3 year olds ever again is a sad reality.

While I was enjoying my corporate career and earning enough to pay for necessities, contribute to college and retirement savings and afford practically all we wanted in our chosen modest lifestyle, my kids grew up with the loving care of my wife at home. I had yearned to be there, too, to experience their daily lives. I balanced my work with my home life as my career allowed and that certainly helped. I enjoyed being there to watch my young children grow as much as I did and am thankful I had the commitment and flexibility to do so. Still, time passed too quickly.

But, it was three years ago when my life changed in many profound ways. My mom, whom I was very close to, passed away. The saddest part for me was and remains the fact that my mom will not physically be here to watch my children grow and for my children to experience her love and wisdom. Immediately following her passing, I dove into a wonderful career opportunity where I utilized my grief-fueled energy. As I grew to accept the sadness that will always be there, the teary-eyed clouds parted and I saw what was truly important in my life - my children. It was then I committed to a life goal of being an active parent of my young children.

I stepped down from that prominent role to be closer to home and spend more time with my young family. The tradeoff has proven to be invaluable and priceless. It has proven to me that, without any doubt, time is worth more than money at this point in my life. And, the benefits I've enjoyed the past year have enticed me to seek even more.

For years, I had expressed my strong desire to be a stay at home dad. And, as my children quickly grow towards their teen years, I realize my time to be a stay at home dad was fleeting. So, after much consideration of many aspects of our lives, I proposed a career switch with my stay at home wife. After much discussion and deliberation over a few months, we have agreed to do so.

As you can imagine, I am elated by our decision. In numerous ways, I am confident all four of us will benefit from the change. And, through thoughtful (and sometimes fortunate) decisions made before we were even married, we are in a comfortable financial position to even consider this. I look back at my 18 year corporate career at the same company and am satisfied with the decisions I made. The decision to leave the company where I practically grew up in is an easy one knowing I am going to a role that is way more important and fulfilling. There is no money or promising career track that can buy the precious and fleeting time I have with my children while they are young. I have worked hard to get myself in position to enjoy the opportunity to do so is now. I know I will enjoy managing the household and the opportunity to pursue my next goal of being an elementary school teacher. Most of all, I will cherish the time I get to spend and teach my children.

My mom taught me a lot in the 41 years I had with her. She left behind many lessons and memories. It's in her passing, though, that one very valuable lesson was shared. And, that is to value the time we have now with those we love. It goes by too fast and while you can't slow that time down, you can make thoughtful decisions on how you spend it. After all, you can't make more time.

Discussions with my wife have begun!

Just recently, I shared with my wife my strong desires to switch roles of income provider and stay at home parent. We are indeed fortunate to have a choice to maintain a single income household and she has maintained the role of stay at home mom since our daughter was born ten years ago. But, with the youth of our children fleeting so quickly, I really want to have the experience of being the full time stay at home dad now. I've laid out numerous reasons on this blog and I shared those with my wife. I asked her to read them and for us to discuss her feelings on this significant life change. I shared that I am envisioning a change in roles next Spring allowing almost a whole year for discussion and transition.

I know this is huge change for all of four of us and I've been seriously thinking about this for a few months. It is only fair to allow my wife time for self reflection to sort out her feelings. Initially, she sees how much I want to do this and my points that the change would benefit each of us. She has some trepidation about updating her skills to return to a full time professional position. And, she realizes that she has had a great experience of being home. I've asked her to take some time and write her thoughts down so we can discuss in the near future. I've been doing the same including listing the things I'll miss about my corporate job of eighteen years. Like I've done, I've asked my wife to consider the positive as well as the challenging aspects of this change for her.

While no timeframe for a decision has been set, we discussed the benefits of coming to a decision sooner than later whether it is to maintain our current arrangements or to make the role reversal. So I'll be patient and fair but a bit persistent. Left to her own devices, my wife would procrastinate on this. I can't blame her considering what is being asked of her. In the meantime, I am actually quite thrilled with just the thought that this could take place a year from now. It is a big relief just to share my feelings and desires. We'll see where it goes from here...

My reasons for wanting to be a stay at home dad

As posted at Chronicles of a Reluctant Housedad:

http://reluctanthousedad.com/2011/05/05/meet-the-man-who-wants-what-i-have-but-he-hasnt-told-his-wife-yet/

Meet the man who wants what I have (but he hasn’t told his wife yet!)

Henry and his adorable children: 'I'm better organised'

It is no secret that I am a housedad of the reluctant persuasion – forced into my situation because of redundancy, resulting in my wife and I swapping roles at the beginning of the year.

I would – even now, despite all the joys and rewards of forging closer bonds with my three kids – swap back if I was offered a job that could justify my wife giving up hers. The reality is, that isn’t going to happen. My Successful Other Half is now thriving in her new-found career. Her transition from Stay-At-Home-Mum is pretty much complete, whereas I’m still on the journey towards converting reluctance into Happy-As-Larryness on the housedadding front.

But is he organised enough to do this day-in, day-out?

But now I learn that Men Want To Be Me. Men Want What I Have. Men Want A Slice Of The Housedadding Action.

For some, I imagine they think sitting around all day moaning and ironing and listening to the radio is a cushy number. And, in truth, that part of it is. Boring as hell, but cushy nonetheless. But then it’s hometime, and all hell is let loose in a flurry of homework, reading, teatime, bathtime, bickering time, ‘when’s Mum coming home?’ time. All Stay-At-Home-Parents know this, though most SAHPs wouldn’t swap it for the world. And it is this latter fact that makes some Working Dads want to be Stay-At-Home-Dads.

Henry C is one such father. After 18 years at the corporate coalface, he wants to swap roles with his Stay-At-Home-Wife and take over the parenting of their nine-year-old daughter and six-year-old son.

Why? Don’t ask me, ask Henry. Though based in the States, the issues are the same as over here. Henry Tweets as @wannabeSAHDad and writes about the issue on his blog http://wannabestayathomedad.blogspot.com/.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t discussed his plans with his wife yet, but she’ll find out soon enough, the moment she reads this blog post (hide the crockery, Henry – there could be some collateral damage!)

Below, he describes his feelings, motivation and ambition in his own words. Over to you, Henry…

‘When did you realise how fast your children are growing up? For me, it was the night before my daughter turned 9. She was just a year away from age 10 which just seems to be a psychological dividing line between a young child and one who is fast approaching teen years. That night, with my wife’s support, I made an unconventional decision to leave my plum corporate position to a role that would allow me more time at home. And, I was fortunate enough to have landed such a role. While I do not miss the perks that came with my former title, I do thoroughly enjoy a dramatically shorter commute and almost no overnight travels. I am now able to see my daughter in her gymnastics class, participate in my 6 year old son’s baseball activities and enjoy dinner with family each evening.

In the year that has passed, I have realized that I truly love being an active father to my young children. And, that I really, really want to be the stay at home parent.

My wife and I are fortunate to be able to maintain a single income household. And, since our daughter was born, my wife has been a full time parent. She enjoys the role and our two babies have grown to be intelligent, respectful and wonderful children. Countless times in the past, I casually suggested that we switch roles and, despite being able to swing it financially, my wife has denied my requests. But, I feel time is running out on my children’s youth and I need to make a strong case now. So, here’s why I want to be a stay-at-home-dad.

Teach: I love to teach and I’ve been told I have natural teaching abilities. In fact, I want to be an elementary (primary) school teacher in a future career. Besides reinforcing concepts through homework help, I’ll have more opportunity to teach my children other life lessons like aspects of our culture including some Chinese language. My wife and I agree that it’s important for our kids to know more about our culture and language.

Learn: While our children are in school during the day, I can join them! Well, at a different school, that is, to pursue a graduate teaching degree. Perhaps, when the local economy improves in a few years, I could be teaching and staying on similar daily and holiday schedules as our children. Even more rewarding, I will learn from and about my children in ways that I would not otherwise.

Sharing: My wife has been able to enjoy the role of stay at home parent, why can’t I? In the true spirit of sharing, I believe it’s my turn. If we transition a year from now, our children will be 11 and almost 8. That’s about halfway in their childhoods so the timeframe seems fair.

Less Stress: My wife agrees that I handle stress very well. Applying project and time management skills I’ve utilized in my corporate career, I will create a less stressful home environment. Better organization, preparation and communication would help minimize stress in an increasingly busy household. A recent study confirms what we know – that kids are tuning into parents’ stress with negative feelings of their own.

More Intimacy: With less stress all around, yes, I am hoping it will translate to be more energy and time for this. Who couldn’t use more of this??

Vacuuming: Believe it or not, I have loved vacuuming since I was 9. And, yes, I truly enjoy doing housework and keeping a neat, organized and clean home. I already have a schedule in mind that will keep me on top of all that a full time parent needs to do around the house. I know it’s a lot but I look forward to the challenge and results.

More family time: I believe with better organization and less stress, the necessary things (housework, homework, etc.) will get done more efficiently and we can actually have more family time. Perhaps, it’s just several minutes a day or a few hours in a week, but any more time to enjoy each other would be great.

Social: My wife and I are have vastly different viewpoints on play dates. I strongly encourage them for our children’s’ social development and enjoyment and would not mind organizing play dates. Our kids ask for more but it’s not in their mom’s comfort zone to arrange for more frequent play dates. I think it’s important to know the friends of our children especially as they grow towards the challenging teen years.

Me: I would be lying if there wasn’t anything for me in being a stay at home dad. While I have enjoyed my corporate career (18 years in the same organization!), I would give it up in a heartbeat to serve the more fulfilling role of full time parent. I will apply the organizational, communication and goal setting skills I’ve learned to more effectively and efficiently manage our home and family. I’ll have the chance to prove to myself that I can be a successful stay at home dad. Lastly, in the months before I leave my job, I would enjoy my soon-to-retire status at work immensely!

Our children: The ultimate reason for my desire to be stay at home dad is our children. We have built a solid foundation for each of their lives and my desire is to enrich, strengthen and grow that foundation for their futures. While I am already an active parent, I feel this is the ideal decision at this time for all of us. While we have very similar values, I strongly believe my skills and approaches would be benefit each of us, particularly the children. The greatest gifts we can give to our children is to share our wisdom and guidance in a loving, supportive home environment. I am absolutely committed to doing just that as a stay at home dad.

So, as best as I can write it, these are my reasons to be the full time parent in our home. I would love to hear your thoughts based on your experiences and perhaps your own desires.